Complicated Gay Love

In this 15-minute film, Stillman paints portraits. He loses inspiration for a centerpiece in his upcoming exhibition in the big city. His boyfriend suggests he return to his hometown to be inspired by the great self-portrait Stillman remembers painting after his mom died. After 7 years he returns home. At first his dad doesn't recognize his own son. They have lunch. Dad asks if he has a girlfriend. Dad says, go ahead look for whatever painting in question. Finally he finds it in his dad's bedroom. It's not clear if Stillman completed the purchase of the 28-year-old restored boat he played in as a boy. The small boat is named Vera, which means Faith or Truth. On the dock looking out to sea, his mom's favorite spot, the boat smacking against the pier, the father sounds like he understands his son is gay. To be sure, Stillman says the three words a father never wants to hear -- Dad I'm gay. The father is in shock. Again they become strangers to each other. Stillman ret...

What have I to say? You're the only one Who really knows me I've said it all before And so much more to relate By another name you are More seductive More attractive Like a stranger  The power of a word Like wearing a new outfit I see through Wordplay like foreplay I'm the only one Who sees the real you What else have I to say? For me You're The Only One.

Imagine your boyfriend is a closeted celebrity. A country music singer. You two sneak a few kisses on the street at night. A gang takes notice and bashes the both of you. A passerby films the violence and the kissing. They don't post it to the Internet. They give you a copy. You post it online. It goes viral. Now you're both famous. How does your boyfriend find out it's you trying to out him? Because you confess to him before he suspects. Powerful love. Now your boyfriend feels betrayed. You betrayed his secret. He knows you did it out of love. Being openly gay appears easy for you. In the long run he will heal. The secret won't be able to hurt him anymore. But you two won't be together anymore either. Sure subconsciously he wants to get caught. He takes wild chances. He wants to live authentic. There will be sacrifices. He will lose the angst that inspires the music that people love. He will lose other people he loves. His family and fans.  You're not supposed ...

In a wooden chair Here I sit Waiting for the sun to rise Early spring on Valentine's Day Mild weather in mid winter I may go for a drive That scenic byway again To my father's gravesite His birthday was February 10 One road connects us literally The highway is slow Compared to the interstate It's the way to go for time to think Figure things out Remember how it was What life is all about Nostalgia on the way up Recall the good times Forget the bad On the drive back Scenic byway made for daydreaming My mind wanders to romance A future brighter than possible I drive on autopilot Through small towns and crossroads On the way up I miss my dad I want him to know I found someone He loves me very much Fills my heart with joy I found happiness for years now I learned what life should be about I want my dad to know On Valentine's Day Four days after his birthday Always a heart-shaped cake The mind wanders to romance I found love and happiness.

"Yesterday when I was young  The taste of life was sweet Like rain upon my tongue  I teased at life as if it were a foolish game The way an evening breeze Would tease a candle flame The thousand dreams I dreamed The splendid things I planned I always built to last On weak and shifting sand I lived by night and shunned The naked light of day And only now I see How the years have run away Yesterday when I was young There were so many songs That waited to be sung So many wild pleasures That lay in store for me And so much pain My dazzled eyes refused to see I ran so fast that Time and youth at last ran out And I never stopped to think What life was all about And every conversation that I can recall Concerned itself with me And nothing else at all Yesterday the moon was blue And every crazy day Brought something new to do And I used my magic age As if it were a wand And never saw the waste And emptiness beyond The game of love I played With arrogance and pride And every flame I li...

It's no secret Sometimes I think of someone else  I close my eyes  At the moment of passion Instant of satisfaction I call it role play I call you by another name Sometimes I close my eyes I see love unrequited Ex-boyfriend broke my heart Old flames reunited Hot stud on the street They exist in my fantasy Here you are in my arms Two decades making love to you Something has changed again  Last time we made love My eyes stayed wide open They are for you only I close my eyes for those others In darkness and shame But last time was different Somehow the hottest mess ever made The luckiest hand ever dealt That's how I felt Eyes wide open  The well of inspiration is infinity Because love has divinity Divinely crafted from the start Expertly handled by the heart When I close my eyes I see the ghosts of memories Eyes wide open Here you are Seems like the first time Of all the times we made love The Last Time Was The Best Time Every time gets better You and I together The Las...

I don't mind heartbreak It's the heartache that makes me Drink Another Beer Shed another tear Cry another river Say another prayer I'm betting I'm hung over Sweating I roll over In an empty bed Sun rises again Take another shower In the foggy window  A faded flower What causes heartache? You not being here Then what is heartbreak? The day you left me Drink Another Beer The break is in the past The ache is right now The pain is lasting The break hurt when it happened The ache gets worse as time passes Drink Another Beer Bottoms up in the afternoon Pop a top at bedtime Say another prayer Cry another river Shed another tear Drink Another Beer  I don't mind heartbreak It's the heartache That makes me wanna Drink Another Beer Say another prayer Shed another tear  Heartache makes me  Drink Another Beer.

Once upon a time in the mid 1990's In a faraway land called Canada At a gay bar named Remington's I got a lap dance On a weekend getaway With my boyfriend at the time  In the hot summer afternoon We drank beer at the bar Unbeknownst to us There was open stage for gogo dancers One in particular caught my fancy He wasn't a super model But boy was he my type! Cute cub / Hairy twink Creative nerd with moxie  On-stage he fornicated a pig effigy To completion During the performances We learned you could ask for a lap dance There are rules You keep your clothes on You don't kiss You don't touch his private parts You can touch every other inch Of his body I touched every centimeter They have the metric system  Twenty dollars per disco song In a private booth upstairs Where you two can carry on I told my boyfriend I'll be right back We're on vacation He should also get some action Mr Gogo Dancer agreed To give me a lap dance I said I know the rules I will respect the...

I know exactly why we broke up He stopped respecting me My live-in boyfriend in the 1990's He couldn't take me seriously So he became bossy and naggy He taunted me dismissively As if I were a child Clean the apartment because His friends are coming over They're his friends It's his mess Basically we broke up  Over Dirty Dishes But really it was something else After I cleaned everything No change / No respect I'm a joke How long before I would go? It didn't used to be this way How could I prevent the breakup? Never argue unless holding hands Now I know We argued at a distance I ran away from my feelings I slammed the door I should have stayed Kitchen table/ Holding hands Discuss it with persistence If only we had a love blog I don't mind some teasing Except when I'm depressed Down in the dumps In a rut / In a slump I need support and love Not derision So I made a tough decision I broke up Over Dirty Dishes He couldn't stop laughing at me So I broke up...

So long ago I met you So many times you were there for me To lean against So many ways you touched my soul So many trips on the down low Next town over Out of sight / On my mind Away tonight / Except in spirit  Now I contemplate Love Without Heartache So many kisses from your lips So many places I held your hand Shielded by tinted window So many hugs I gave my lover So much drama undercover So many ways I tried to say How I feel / The real me But I could only write it down For you to read clearly  From my soul to yours directly  How I contemplate Life without heartbreak  So much fun together We speak in terms of forever  So much hurt we discarded  So long ago when we started  From the bottom of my heart So many kisses / So many thoughts  So much affection we display  So many chances we take Now I contemplate  Love Without Heartache Shielded by tinted window In another town down low  Affection we display Chances we take Life without ...