Complicated Gay Love

2022 goes out on high note. Great hope for 2023.  I was in my apartment all year with my cat. 3 years living in my van was over. I still drive the van. At the beginning of the year my health was an issue. The prostate number was rising. Not responding to testosterone hormone blocker alone. A daily pill since Feb. brought the number back down. But it caused lethargy, weight gain & mental haze.  I lost my muscle mass, atrophy from inactivity. In April I started physical therapy for an injured shoulder, which helped pull me out of my funk. At the end of the year, 2 days before Christmas, a CT scan showed improvement since Jan. 19 scan indicating mild emphysema. My lungs cleared up. Because I've been working out. More breathing. More blood flow than a year ago. That's good news. Recent scan showed the July 11 lower back injury. In April & May I was in a mental fog making poor judgments. Like an open relationship would be okay. Because I feel guilty about erectile dysfuncti...

In search of a happy ending. Happy at the end of a movie. Not happily ever after. These two sad short gay films are poignant. They make you cry. They make you watch again. And cry again. In the first movie a gay heroin addict gets out of rehab. Goes to stay with his sister & her husband. Five days before his arrival, the sister kills herself. Because she found her husband in bed with a guy. Can you imagine? Over on Gay Guys Going Deeper, they had three older men talk about coming out later in life. One guy's marriage ended happily. The other two not so well. Family was okay for a couple weeks then turned on him. The ex-wife paid a hitman to kill him. So I should not minimize my boyfriend's concerns & fears about coming out. If you thought your ex would kill herself, you would never come out. There's a happy ending. Dylan & Sean fall asleep entwined in each other's arms & legs. Sean pushes the glass of whiskey away. Dylan hustles up to accompany Sean on a...

Every day I say to myself This love has lasted Longer than I expected After eighteen years I stepped up my game Way up I proved my love without doubt So much so It comes across as needy and clingy My New Year's resolution Be more manly I'm the husband and you're the wife As we discussed on the phone Despite intense passions I must be subdued Masculine Obviously holding my emotions in check Not a loose cannon  Now is time to coast with confidence Recover recharge Refocus on old goals Finish the gay sci-fi porno 13 chapters so far I'm running out of steam for the poems The love blog must evolve Will I ever write prose again? Yes To update the few readers Provocative inappropriate pictures Yes Can't wait until spring time Secret love demands the sunshine Every day This love has lasted Longer than I expected.

Kisses on Christmas Day Stay in the box Until two days after Stockings filled with laughter Hanging above the hearth Under the tree was love In our hearts We traded passion and romance For sweet-nothing and bon-bons Lingerie to try on Icy hands to hold tight Arms to squeeze just right Two days after Christmas Laughter and kisses.

A happy ending. The closeted partner goes public to save the relationship.  Love is not a secret. Therefore secret love is not discreet. You take all kinds of chances. How can people not find out eventually?  When you come out as a couple, you're not hiding anymore. You live your truth with pride.

First kiss was around minute 59:00 it's an artsy low budget film. I've been on both sides of the love equation. I loved him more and he loved me more. In both cases it broke my heart.  Both Sam & Ryan are cheating. Sam on his boyfriend. Ryan is cheating on his own heart. I've had to say no to toxic relationships that got out of hand. But I thought this was a healthy relationship... except for the cheating.  The movie resonated with me as I'm dating a married man who has Ryan's concerns. I'm more like Sam except single. You have to accept what your partner has to offer. Respect limits. Wait until he's ready. It will pay off. Ryan is cheating on his own heart. He's taking a break from being straight. He likes the attention and affection. But he doesn't want it to be permanent. So he fools around with a guy attached to someone else. During sex Ryan thinks about girls. Why did Sam & Ryan fall in love? They spent too much time together. Too much s...

What does he see in me? You may ask yourself Privately No need to wonder I'm self-conscious Average looks Overweight here Flabby there Erectile dysfunction Poverty stricken Far from perfect  What have I to offer? What does he see in me? I pay my own rent for this apartment If 90 percent of sex is mental I have to be kicking on all cylinders Content What he sees in me is Content You see it too Words on a screen I don't have charisma I have content I have something to say An artist I paint pictures with words Vistas of love and romance Some have music and choreography Prose Lyrics and Poetry Opinion is my property I create and share here For the world to see What does he see in me? Content I pay my own rent If 90 percent of sex is mental I have to be kicking on all cylinders He sees in person What you can only see In this love blog Content What he sees in me is Content When he's in my arms In my warm apartment What he sees in me is Content.

Embellishment exaggerated? I understand love was meant To be elevated Must there be so much hyperbole? When it comes to love There can never be enough poetry In Real Life You are but a few miles away In Love Life It's like a billion light years Far side of the universe  A trillion stars light up The pathway to your heart When I see you again Supernova! Explosion of emotion for the eons  That's no embellishment It's understatement of the ages Love Cannot Be Exaggerated.

Van Life My Ass! More like homeless I disagree Home is where the heart is Where the love is made A lot of love was made In my van In the minivan before Three years in the wilderness Your love was steady and sure My homeless van was our home of love I never hit rock bottom My house floats on romance You find my van in the forest Where we made love so many times Not again! Said my cat so many times You could have said goodbye Instead you stayed by my side When prostate cancer struck me down You stayed by my side When I thought of moving away You gave me counsel Asked me to stay here by your side Now I have a warm apartment A big fat tom cat And you are standing by my side In these pictures in this love blog Also in my heart there you are Van Life Hell Yes! Great while it lasted My homeless van was our home of love You're still standing by my side Home is where love is made My house floats on romance There is no rock bottom Wherever we make love Is home sweet home You and I standing s...

Some people travel the world over Looking and searching forever The 7 seas / 7 continents Desert and jungle / Fire and ice 4 corners of the earth 7 wonders of the ancient world To feel how I feel with you My lover What we found by chance one day Others only dream of romance To take your breath away Some people walk a thousand miles Without rest To find what we stumbled upon We're so blessed They travel high and low Far and wide To find the intensity of love We have inside They look left / They look right Straight ahead and behind Without rest How we feel tonight We take for granted How blessed we are While empty hearts stumble in the dark Yearning for what I found in you My lover Some people travel the world over Never do they discover True meaning and love we found By accident Elusive ephemeral emotions  Heaven sent Magic and mystery keep us together Some people travel the world over Searching in all types of weather.