Confused Love

30-hour romantic date minus a few hours work each day. He picked me up at 6 am & dropped me off the next day 2 pm. 3-hour drive each way. We had plenty of time to talk. We looked like a 2-man crew out to do a job.

My boyfriend & I agreed we are confused.

 Obviously a married man dating another man is confused. A gay man dating a married man is confused. Labels never did fit us. Acting straight when you're not is confusing. We live in a state of confusion.

Me saying, it's one thing to get lucky but another thing to spend time trying to get lucky is a distinction without a difference. My boyfriend said it makes no sense. It's certainly a mixed message. 

I hear you. Because of you, I have stopped saying that. I'll be jealous regardless.

This is how the relationship grows. Suddenly we were seeing contradictions in everything we did. We could joke about it.

The biggest contradiction came late night after a few vodka drinks. You wore full lingerie. Panties & a bikini top. See through camisole. Stockings. 

You lay in my arms, looked me in the eyes & asked me a seriously personal question.

Are you faking it? Before erectile dysfunction your erection proved your attraction. I can feel the dildo but you can't. Have your feelings changed & now you're going through the motions of a relationship?

Sometimes yes. Roleplay. Otherwise it's sincere. It is confusing.

I feel the tingle of an erection just like I used to. I still get brief erections & once penetrated you in this new reality as you remember. My penis has shrunk from radiation treatments. 

I can orgasm but not ejaculate. While you can't see it, I very much felt the orgasm with you the other day. Couple weeks ago you ejaculated while I penetrated you with my dildo. Is that proof of your attraction or proof that your junk works?

We are still having sex most people dream about. Serious intimacy. A once-in-a-lifetime fantasy came true.

If I no longer felt anything, I would not be here. Yes I changed. But only a small part of me. We have a sexual relationship. If the sex stops, it's over.

But my love for you is more than that. It's mental, emotional. If we stop having sex altogether, I will still want to touch you, hold your hand, cuddle & hug. 

I had a personal question during the extended date. 

In the beginning you seemed more concerned about STDs than you are now. What changed?

Your answer was that you are concerned. I sent a mixed message that it was okay for us to fool around. Besides you brought the one guy to my house & the other you called me about. Then you came to my house. Besides I fooled around with the second guy a couple weeks after you.

I thought it was okay, then not okay. I was being passive-aggressive. Crazy. Let's go with confused.

Since then I have made arguments in favor of monogamy. I believe you when you say you want to recommit to monogamy with me.

This date was part of that process. Romance. Intimacy. Walking the dog. Talking about sex. Getting tested for STDs (June 21).

This date was so intense & passionate that we need more time apart before the next date. So we can function in real life.

You finally ejaculate the next morning while pretending to suck me. The elastic of my athletic shorts holds the dildo in place. 

The muscle shirt stretches over my belly so I don't feel self-conscious. You're still wearing lingerie so you don't feel self-conscious.

I put my hand in your semen & let you taste it. We both miss my big dick and the big loads it used to shoot. I must have fucked you at least a hundred times.

Still this extended date was so satisfying we should go a couple weeks until the next date. So we can cool down & focus on real life. We hooked up on 9 days in June. Time to cool it down.

SPIN-OFF SONG I'm Not Faking My Love